Response to Za'Tasja Baker's "Cinderella Pink Doll House"

  You sure know how to make some tension. While I was a bit surprised that a fire happened and that it killed Trevor's brother, I really enjoyed the argument Trevor and Hanna had between one another. Not that it was a good thing but it felt really natural and you poured so much emotion out of Trevor in that one big rant he did. It made me want to dislike Hanna even more. Also You do a good job of describing Hanna based off of her attitude about herself. There is a line on page two that made me chuckle, where she is trying to figure out what to where, it just seems so genuine.
  One thing that bugged me was that you forces these situations for Hanna to say and feel so different from Trever that it takes away what I like about her. I didn't understand why Hanna would want to break up with Trevor just based on a dinner that I have no idea what happened. You give a short description about how Trevor's parents were being good parents to her but we don't get any thought about it. I want to see that dinner and I want to see Hanna struggle emotionally at it. It would make a whole lot more sense to me if I saw why she felt so different internally Trevor to lead to her breaking up with him. Also add some little spurts of information between the fire and the funeral. Like a line or two of what Hanna is thinking as days go by.

Ekphrasic Exercise - September 15, 1857: the idea of the tree

  Upon first glance I see a tree laid upon twelve different sheets and each sheet is a different color. However when I get closer I see that these sheets actually pages from some manuscript. Whether they're from the same manuscript, I can't tell. I notice that the painting over the manuscript, the tree, Is encompassed by a blue box. It seems to be the from for the painting, the tree and the actual frame is meant for the manuscripts. The artist likes to make things in layers.
  I notice that the artist made this in twelve steps. He didn't glue the pages together first and then paint, but rather he did each page individually. And for each page, he drew in a different design and made sure to keep the color corresponding to that page. The more bold or noticeable pages are the two in the middle and the second one from the left on the bottom row. They stick out mainly due to the fact that this is the focal point of the piece and also that the lines drawn for the tree are thicker and with heavier strokes. There is even some smudging. I think this is this way because the viewer sees the middle first. If they take the time to look around the middle then they will notice the smaller lines, the more focused and detailed lines.
  When we read a story we don't look at the small details around the main idea, or picture in this case, sometimes. Sure this was a very nice tree and I like that he used manuscripts and his backdrop but if I hadn't taken the time to look past that "main focus" I never would have noticed the beautifully detailed lines around it. It's like teachers always told you in grade school, "read between the lines."

Response to Timothy Collier's "Wounded"

  First off I really enjoyed this story. You give a great deal of descriptive use in both the environment around you and your  main character. One of the lines I loved was when you were describing the cut on the first page, "... and below the gleaming, pink tissue, hundreds of yellow-white beads stirred, reflecting at intervals the warm streetlights." Another big thing I liked was the jumping back and forth between narratives. For the most part those are done very well. A little of halfway through I noticed that it really started to complement Jason's character in a way that told me much more about him than, I feel, just a straight narrative of only one of the story would have told. My favorite was when Jason was confronted with Nick. I feel like that told a lot about his character in a more subtle way if that makes sense.

  One thing to like at when revising is how you transition into these narratives. Some of them were a little hard to follow, possibly because they started on a different page, and I got a little lost at times. The main one being at the beginning of page seven. On page six you have this interest narrative of Jason as a small child with his grandfather. If you ended that one not as abrupt when going back into the Nick narrative, it would feel a little smoother. Another thing is I want more of a development between Jason and Mickey. I feel as though you only used that narrative a a grounding for your story but I feel like it could have just as much development out of Jason as the narrative with Nick. 

  All in all you have a great story here and I think the three narrative does work but you do have some kinks to work out. 

Response to Seth Sillmon's "A Little Less than Nothing"

  I have to say that the beginning to this story feel like something that would come out of a much longer full length novel. You take us into the life of this early post-grad girl named Tyra and explain who she is by what she thinks of her friends, her father, and her situation in the school. You also do a great job of characterizing her friends as well, but at the same time it is through her lens so who knows what these people are actually like.
  She seems very uppity about herself and it makes me want to hate her more, even still after finding out her Mom died in a car accident. I feel as though you set up this main character to hated by the readers but also able to keep us interested. You have a lot of great descriptive elements going on and that great. I honestly want to keep reading about what is going to happen to Tyra.
  One critique I have to give is that the story doesn't really end. You have this rising action leading us to what I had hoped to be a very interesting, hoping cringe-worthy, moment of tension but once you get to it, it just happens. It went very forced and dry and after that nothing happens.
  I would say to make that seen better, I have two options: the first being I want be to taken into the class more. Show that she has this interest in literature but the class is ruined by Mr. Leone's constantly calling her out and awkward attention. So then when the tension does come she has more of a resentment to Mr. Leone other the he's old and creepy. Also with that conversation, draw it out more. Make an argument happen or some conflict to make Mr. Leone seem more than some lonely middle-aged guy going through a midlife crisis. Make him worse than Tyra. Right now you have a terrible main character in the sense of her personality and we have no resolution to the problem: her finding that she doesn't need to act the way she does and that she doesn't need all this attention.

Response to Ariel Cartwright's "Three Things Cannot Long Be Hidden"

  I have to say that I honestly was surprised by the ending. You did a good job of trailing me along, leaving little hints of what was happening and then bam. Also you do a good job of creating these believable characters who are caught up in this mess of who slept with who and look she pregnant. And aside from the missing words in a few of the sentences it was fairly good pacing.
  One thing I will say is that I did get lost a few times on who was talking and where the story was. The first was in the very beginning. I do like the anger we get from the main character because it sets up the kind of person she is but I am left questioning why we are given the details about the Captain. "His pointer and thumb massage the bridge of his nose. Eyes shut, furrowed, he does this whenever he gets a migraine." This is almost a cliche and it is unneeded because we don't see him anymore.
  Another thing that I feel would add to the story is if you gave more attention to detail whenever you change scenes. Whenever Lanie is in the bar with her sister have her look around and notice things. The test in the trash can is a little too subtle but if you added in things that she notices in her surroundings that make her remember this moment with Philip then I feel it would lead the reader to a more concise realization of what has happened and will have them question what will happen.

Creative Writing Event 1

Early on in the semester there was a picnic hosted by the English department to help promote the Creative Writing branch of the English department. It was fun. When I got there I ran into some classmates of mine and also the event had just gotten started. A lady whose name I cannot remember opened the event by explaining where we were, what the event was to entail and the raffle. The raffle was you had to write a poem or line or something of the sort using only 6 lines and put it in the hat. Later on they would choose a few of them and those chosen would get to pick from the few books: novels or poetry etc. I had trouble thinking of something so I scribbled something down and I saw someone just write the names of color in correlation to the markers he chose. Sadly mine didn't get called but it was fun none the less. I met some new people and saw some old people.

Response to Emma Hyche's "Under the Sun"

  I have to say I really enjoyed this story. To give it some praise, you do a great job of explaining to us, the reader, what this place is, this "artificial pool" and you do a very good job of putting us at that landscape. Also your descriptive use of everything that is going on is also great. One of my favorite lines is "A syrupy pink puddle spread over the tile by her feet." Another thing is how you describe the workers. You give them blank faces with blank eyes, as to having been trapped in this 'perfect' world has made them dull and lose what self they do have.
  I like the idea of having mention what is going on outside this perfect environment and that fact that our main character is aware of that. I feel like one of the main points to this story is that to Kate there is no realness to what is happening on this vacation, or school funded trip, whatever it may be. And when your tension seen happens, it felt as sudden to me as it did to Kate. For some reason or another I didn't see that coming.
  One thing that bothered me was I got a lot of information about Lily, and not enough about Kate. You really describe Lily's character almost in her entirety: her personality, her home life, and her school life. And I feel like that was necessary to the fact that we are meant to greatly dislike her. BUt I am left wanting more from Kate. All I know is that she is very smart, has a scholarship, and is somewhere in the middle class range. If we had more knowledge about Kate's background I feel as though it would make her character really come out and draw the reader in to appreciate her even more.