I went into this story very interested and really looking
forward to see where it was going to go. I think the introduction to the story
is the perfect set up to take this to a multiple of different ideas and the one
you choose was good with the weird awkward barber who could be a nice guy or
and incredible creeper. When it came to describing your character, I felt you
did a very good job of give me as a reader a visual of what he looks like and
an insight to how his personality is. One think to go back and look at is how
you worked his three looks. Each sentence is very straightforward and bland and
it feels that you are only saying these things because you have to. My
suggestion would be to reword these sentences and mix them together. Just be
careful not to make them to long and have them be a run on.
There is
one part that I got lost and didn’t realize you jumped the time. It was on page
2 were you cut from Jake at his job to him being back at the barber. I like
both there parts but I feel that you need to distinguish when time jumps a
little more. Another part that needs fleshing out is on page 3, when you are
talking about the posters. This is a great descriptive use of what Jake is looking
at, kind of gives this idea for what he is thinking, but go into my detail when
describing it.
One part
that I felt had the potential to be a great idea for moving plot in a different
direction was when the dogs came out; however you never talk about there
significance and it leaves me wondering why we are given this information. Add
more to it and connect it to why the barber is so creepy.
The
strongest point in the story is when Jake finally is talking about what has
been bothering him and believe me, I was not ready for all of that. It was
great. You get so into the head of Jake and after reading it I felt let down
because that was it. I wanted more. You gave all this great description of his
character and his past and all the emotions that are building inside him. I
want this to be the story, him dealing with Bobby and try to make it though
school. You have an excellent story here but it isn’t told.
Lastly, I
was very confused by what was happening after Jake unloaded everything. It
feels like we cut to a completely different story and then just as quick we cut
back to the ending of the first story.
Aside from
that last part, I feel as though your story has the potential to be something
great. Everything is there, you just need to reword some of the sentences and
focus in on what Jake is wanting.
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