Monday, September 29, 2014

Response to Alethia Russell's "Train Wrecked"

  This was a very enjoyable story to read and I thought it was very well done. You did a very good job of describing your characters and I loved the little snippets we get of Jupiter's subconscious and it isn't used too much. I like the idea of what's happening here. It has the notion of a mystery story but on the other side of the spectrum. I feel as though we do a good job getting into Jupiter's fears and her anger toward herself, she is trying to move on herself but her guilt keeping her.
 One thing I felt that took away from the story is the overuse of dialogue tags. There were a few places that needed some but most of the time it was a case that you added to many. Another thing was on page 3, you refer to the accident as 'it'. over my first reading of this it was thinking: what is it? Like I said earlier, I like the mystery of everything that is happening but it seems to oblivious right here. Flesh out this thought Jupiter is having. Also on the same page there was a confusion on what I thought was a time jump. You go from Amberly and Jupiter talking to talking about the January air but no time had passed. I suggestion to you is to make the setting more clear. You do a great job of describing your characters, I just want more of that in the setting.
  The last thing is the ending. You have this incredible tension rising when the detective comes by and questions are finally starting to be asked. I see that you are trying to have to main character find her way out of the woods but all your tension and revelation is dropped when you say "Then maybe we can let her go." I feel like thats a cop out. I very really getting invested into the story and then cliffhanger. I want more. But overall I loved the story.

No comments:

Post a Comment