This was a fantastic story. I love description use give to
environment around Timmy. My favorite line has to be “His face in full looks
nightmarishly orgasmic.” It just this poetic feel to what is happening to Cal.
I feel as though with many of your descriptive uses of both people and the
settling is very well done, very fleshed out. Another comment I want to say is
great is you use of stream of consciousness. When Timmy is with Cal in the ER
and he is looking at the nurse at the counter, it totally breaks the tension of
what is going on in the environment and lets me know that this isn’t just a
story of a guy trying to deal with the fact that his friend is hurting himself
and possibly severely depressed but also that there are some internal struggles
of whether or not he still considers himself to be friends with Cal.
There were
a few places I’d suggested relooking at and either adding more to it or
rewording it. The first one is on page 2 when the nurse tells Cal to show her
the cut. I thought they had gone to a room or somewhere other than the lobby so
I suggested letting us know that but then I realized that they are still in the
lobby and at that point it seemed to odd for a nurse to tell an injured person
to show her a severe wound in the middle of a semi-crowded lobby. It doesn’t
seem realistic to me but I could be wrong. Another part where I got lost for a
second was at the bottom of page 4 whenever you said, “It seems like yesterday
since we were at Jay’s.” I thought you were going to flashback to a memory
because you introduced a new setting and then dropped all the sudden. Maybe if
you told us that Timmy was leading into a memory but was cut off by Cal
talking. It was seems very abrupt.
Other
than those things I thought this story was very good. I feel like the use of
stream of consciousness was done very well and added a strong dimension to the
character, Timmy. It made me think of when I had been in the ER with or waiting
for family and having those strange thoughts pop in my head
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